AS PROMISED, Monday's Kapihan sa Manila had Nur Musuari as the lone guest – or at least somebody who looked and talked like him. The media have been denied access to Misuari who is under detention in Santa Rosa, Laguna, so we thought we should satisfy media's hunger to interview him. Instead of being grateful for the opportunity to talk to media, however, the former governor of the Autonomous Region in Muslim Mindanao (ARMM) had only harsh words for them.

"I strongly protest media's portrayal of me as a dangerous man," he said. "You even compare me to Joseph Estrada. But the only thing that Estrada and I have in common is that we have many wives. Esrtada is greedy; I am not. He owns real estate in Baguio, Manila, Wack Wack, Makati, Tagaytay, etc. Me, the only real estate I want to own is Mindanao. Unlike this government waging war against the Muslims, I want peace – a piece of Mindanao.

"How do you spend your time in your detention cell in Santa Rosa?" Misuari was asked.

"The same way I did when I was governor of ARMM," he replied.

"And what was that?"

"Doing nothing."

Here are some more excerpts from the Kapihan interview:

"What can you say about President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's frequent trips abroad?"

"It's a shame because she always travels with a huge carry-on baggage."

"What carry-on baggage is that?"

"Mike Arroyo, what else?"

"Mr. Misuari, what can you say about the presence of American troops in Mindanao?"

"The more Americans, the better for the Abu Sayyaf."

"What do you mean?"

"The more Americans, the more kidnap victims."

"The Abu Sayyaf has been kidnapping not only foreigners but also Filipinos. Why also Filipinos?"

"Because the Abu Sayyaf, you know, is actually patriotic. It has a nationalistic policy, you know."

"What policy?"

"Filipino First."

"What about the Balikatan war exercises?"

"Well, as long as the exercises, you know, are limited to bending, stretching or push-ups, that's okay with me."

"What can you say about President Bush as a leader?"

"I think Bush, you know, is under the illusion, you know, that he can be a world leader. He may be America's leader, but not of the world, you know. Americans should be very careful of a different kind of Bush, you know, especially the Americans in Mindanao."

"What kind of Bush must the Americans in Mindanao be careful of?"

"Ambush."

"What can you say about President Macapagal as a leader?"

"You know, as a leader I think she is unfair. You know, when Estrada was detained in Santa Rosa, she, you know, visited him. Me, I have been detained in the same place for more than a month now, you know. And, you know, she still has not visited me."

"Why do you think she does not visit you?"

"You know, I really don't know."

"If the President visits you, what would you do?"

"I'd fall on my knees."

"Fall in your knees? Why?"

"So we could see eye to eye."

"Reports said you escaped to Malaysia as a terrorist. Is this true?"

"No, that is not true. You know, that was a typographical error. I went there, you know, not as a terrorist but as a tourist."

"There is already a new governor in the ARMM. Why did you come back to the Philippines when they don't want you anymore?"

"No, of course not. My constituents, you know, still want me, Filipinos, you know, still want me. General Angelo Reyes, himself, you know, said that I am the most wanted man in the Philippines."

"Before you became ARMM governor, you said you wanted the people of Mindanao to become rich, but it seems it is you who became rich."

"Well, you know, I tried to lead my example. I wanted to show that if I can be rich, they too can be rich."

"Do you still have plenty of followers?"

"Oh yes, a lot of people are following me, you know. In fact, until I was captured, there was a, you know, a massive manhunt for me."

"Is the government giving in to your demand for a cell phone?"

"No and, you know, I don't know why. They're limiting me to a landline because, you know, according to them, a cell phone seems luxurious, you know. But I'm in a cell, so my phone ought to be a cell phone."

"Why won't they transfer you to Veterans Hospital?"

"You know, I don't know. Isn't that discrimination? Estrada has more rights than me. But whatever Estrada has done to the country, you know, I have also done – maybe even more."

Don't you, dear reader, find this exchange strange?

Yes? Well you know, it's not strange at all because, you know, that was comedian Willie Nep masquerading as Nur. You know.

reposted by: Noel Allosa